What Books Don’t Teach You About Little Boys (Penis Edition)

So… what baby books or even other parents don’t really teach you about little boys, in no order (or that they have directly happened to me so I can keep some innocence here.)

 

  • It begins before they’re born. Getting a 3d utlrasound? Don’t be surprised to see that little baby inside of you already grabbing onto it for dear life. Nope that’s not an extra leg… it’s indeed a penis.

 

  • Be reflex ready when diaper changing. The second cold air hits their penis for whatever reason they piss and the stream goes upwards and towards you… trying to make it go elsewhere will just end up with more urine soaked everything.

 

  • As they learn to pee they will spot challenges and try to mark their territory through these challenges. A whole in the baby gate is just another hole to pee into/through.

 

  • With that said they will stick their penis in EVERYTHING! In the bathtub shark, in the dinosaurs mouth, in any object that will wrap around their little dingy.

 

  • They will suck at cleaning it and you will have to tell/show them how to do it properly (hubby got this one) but if it’s not done properly it’ll hurt. You will become an annoying hovering parent making sure your son washes his prick properly.

 

  • The second they realize it feels good to touch they NEVER let it go.

 

  • There’s a good possibility that they’ll announce in public that their penis has come out of their underwear. At this point with people staring their hands will shoot down their pants to fix their problem.

 

  • They’ll most likely make the verbal distinction one day that they saw their father’s and that it was much bigger than their own. That or they’ll announce that daddy has a tail.

 

  • They’ll also verbally confirm that animals have penises too and will happily point them out to you.

 

  • They’ll also inform you (the mother) that you in fact do NOT have a penis. At this point do not tell them that you have daddy’s locked up in a box because that’s what happens when you get married < because I would never say this… only sarcastically think it.
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About vanitymom

I'm here to talk about not only the joys of motherhood but also the (not so much joys) of living in a high society world that you're judged upon your looks... where I live you need to be a 7 to gain beach access, an 8 to walk around half naked in the summertime and atleast a 9 to hold your head up high. I'm Vanity Mom. I will be talking about things such as parenting (of course) beauty tips for moms, exercise, and eating healthy... all while doing this with a kid biting the hell out of your leg because he's teething.
This entry was posted in Kids Are Weird, Little Boys, Parenting, Sarcasm and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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