What Books Don’t Teach You About Little Boys (Penis Edition)

So… what baby books or even other parents don’t really teach you about little boys, in no order (or that they have directly happened to me so I can keep some innocence here.)

 

  • It begins before they’re born. Getting a 3d utlrasound? Don’t be surprised to see that little baby inside of you already grabbing onto it for dear life. Nope that’s not an extra leg… it’s indeed a penis.

 

  • Be reflex ready when diaper changing. The second cold air hits their penis for whatever reason they piss and the stream goes upwards and towards you… trying to make it go elsewhere will just end up with more urine soaked everything.

 

  • As they learn to pee they will spot challenges and try to mark their territory through these challenges. A whole in the baby gate is just another hole to pee into/through.

 

  • With that said they will stick their penis in EVERYTHING! In the bathtub shark, in the dinosaurs mouth, in any object that will wrap around their little dingy.

 

  • They will suck at cleaning it and you will have to tell/show them how to do it properly (hubby got this one) but if it’s not done properly it’ll hurt. You will become an annoying hovering parent making sure your son washes his prick properly.

 

  • The second they realize it feels good to touch they NEVER let it go.

 

  • There’s a good possibility that they’ll announce in public that their penis has come out of their underwear. At this point with people staring their hands will shoot down their pants to fix their problem.

 

  • They’ll most likely make the verbal distinction one day that they saw their father’s and that it was much bigger than their own. That or they’ll announce that daddy has a tail.

 

  • They’ll also verbally confirm that animals have penises too and will happily point them out to you.

 

  • They’ll also inform you (the mother) that you in fact do NOT have a penis. At this point do not tell them that you have daddy’s locked up in a box because that’s what happens when you get married < because I would never say this… only sarcastically think it.
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Never leave THIS in a hot car

giant-gummy-snake-128029So we’ve all seen the Facebook video of the child being left in the hot car. It maddens you to the point of having to remind yourself it’s merely a propo video before you become an over emotional wreck at the female actor who’s merely making said video to get parents to remember not leave their kid in a car on a hot day… or ever really.

Well… where I live summer pretty much equals scorching heats where your car gets up to damn near 130 c sitting in the sun for 20 minutes. I throw a window visor on my windshield NOT to keep the car “cooler” per say but to keep the steering wheel from blistering my hands.

Obviously nothing is staying in the car for long periods of time.

SSSSSooooo…. today hubby and I went to the bulk barn and as a treat we got our kiddo a gummy snake. Think of a gummy worm except this sucker was nearly a foot long. He sat quietly in the back eating it until we arrived at our next destination to grab groceries. We told him we would be quick (which was a huge lie because apparently everyone and their dog is out shopping today) and told him to leave it in the car.

It’s simply amazing how much a half inch by eight inch piece of melted goopy ass candy can seriously screw up your routine/day/life.

I didn’t even fathom this thing would  melt… upon trying to grab the melted blob off my son’s juice box (which had saved the thing from destroying the car seat) it pretty much exploded in my hand into a disastrous gooey glop of stickiness that has ever to be imagined. I stood there stunned staring at my hand and of course my son whined that I had destroyed his treat. Napkins, water, even trying to lick and eat the blob of melted gelatin crap off my hand wasn’t working (at this point my son is telling me it’s unfair that I’m eating it in which I really want to simply gag at the texture this thing is producing in my mouth.) Having enough I scraped enough of the blob off my hand but it was still so sticky that I couldn’t bring myself to touch my steering wheel.

Hubby drove the car home as I sat in the passenger seat trying desperately to free my hand from the sticky sugar particles that had merged themselves into my skin and become one with me. We couldn’t continue our shopping and came home so I could soak and soap my hand to free itself from what felt like tacky glue gone wrong.

So parents… that it from me… you know those fruit snacks? Any snack that isn’t just a piece of fruit and has sugary crap inside of it? Don’t leave it in the car when it gets hot or it’ll become a sugary mess of sticky molten lava bent on mass destruction and annoyance.

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School’s Back In Season!

School is coming back into session and parents are thrilled! I know I am for one because even though I worked all summer long I did so with my son at my side and sending him back to school seems like a mini vacation for myself. Of course summer camp is always super fun for all kids involved but when your the boss’ kid I’m sure it gets tiring for the child, just as it does for the parent who is the boss running the camp.

Dynamics when it’s your own child are always different, you know when he’s actually hurt and can call him out when he’s just making a scene (oh we had a few of those this summer… we can have major crashes and then he gets bumped slightly and we’re suddenly in need to amputate.) I also expect him to know better and be the child who always listens (heads up… doesn’t always happen.) I can also tell my staff whom I’m pretty buddy buddy with in sarcasm that if he’s not listening at the pool to smack him with a pool noodle.

Unfortunately it seems that with having your child with you all the time at work allows little time for you to get away from your child and just have some time to yourself. We’d be up at 6:45 am together, at camp by 7:30 and then working till sometimes 3 or longer makes for a long day. Then we went home together to relax, eat dinner, have down time and be up to do it all again the next morning.

With school I have my own administrative time away from him and only get him from 2:30-5:30 when I go home. I rejoice at the thought of having my morning routine back where I can drop him off at school, come home and get in a workout before I start work where as this summer it simply didn’t happen.

He’ll be back with his friends which he didn’t get to spend much time with this summer (a few went to camp but not all of them, most of them were on vacation.) He’ll also get the learning aspect which no matter how hard I tried to incorporate over the summer I failed horribly because at the end of the day I was done with him and gave the reins over to my husband.

I think all in all most parents celebrate life going back to normal, to there being a schedule for everyone involved. So many others ask “don’t you miss him?” And I must honestly state… no. I can get along for part of the day without my child being tied to my hip and know that he’s just fine and (GASP) not missing me a damn bit.

 

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Some Kids Suck

sad.jpgWe all want to protect our children from the evil of the world, we want to keep them hidden in the clutches of our hearts where they never have to deal with bullies or the reality of that bad things can happen to good people. It’s not always possible… you’ll NEVER be able to do that. No matter how hard you try your child will learn that there are kids and people in the world that just plain suck.

My kiddo brought all his Beyblades to summer camp, I didn’t think that it was an issue, it was my classroom which I deemed to be a safe territory. He had brought ALL his Beyblades so that the other kids could play with them and nobody would be left out. Bless his little caring heart as he wants everyone to have a chance. While driving home last night he declared “oh no I left my bag of Beyblades in my cubby!” To which I simply shook my head and replied “they’ll be there in the morning.” Apparently I lied.

Upon entering the classroom he ran to his cubby and discovered the large ziplock freezer bag was not in his bin. We scoured the room and couldn’t find it. I spoke with the kids and said that if anyone had it that they could at some point leave it somewhere in the classroom, on my desk, or in one of my child’s bins and that they wouldn’t be in trouble. When the children went outside the janitor and myself did a backpack check and came up with nothing. My heart broke as we were now out around 10 Beyblades with all their accessories and pull cords.

I sent out an email to parents about the situation but said due to the event that I was going to ban Beyblades and Fidget Spinners from camp as they are the hot new toys at the moment and that I didn’t want this happening again. I also reminded them that due to having different children in the program that this sort of thing can happen and that unfortunately there’s not much that we can do about it.

My son didn’t understand, “they’re all my friends” he told me… I said sometimes these things happen… what I really wanted to say is that sometimes people act like our friends but aren’t really. The Beyblades can be replaced and will be replaced, the ban will continue through the summer. I told my son he’s lucky in a way… we can buy him new Beyblades, not all of them right away but that he’ll get a new collection. There are a lot of parents out there who can’t afford that luxury which is also why I banned them, how horrible would it be for kids to lose their favorite toy and not be able to replace it?

It’s horrible to say and think… but some kids (and some people) just plain suck.

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School’s Out For Summer

Tomorrow is the last day, with that I have gotten the final reports only to raise my eyebrow how my child went from doing fine to not so fine. I need to remind myself about my own issues as a child and how much I hated reading at a young age, I understand fully that my son doesn’t enjoy it, he’s told me as much. I didn’t start reading until grade 6 when I found the author R.L Stine and started from there.

Sometimes as a parent we want to get upset that our child isn’t achieving high grades, that they’re not an academic genius, or that you simply think they should be doing better than they are. We tend to forget that our kids are little humans, that they have stress, that they have likes and dislikes, strong suits and weak ones.

They are just like us, their worlds are different but they struggle just as we do. This summer I’ll be buying some flashcards, purchasing some books, and will try to encourage my son with his reading. I promise myself and him that I will not get frustrated, that I will not bring him down in any way and that it’ll be a positive experience one step at a time.

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School’s Out (Nearly)

school-clipart-school-for-freeI admit I have been very busy again with personal life, trying to get into shape, in work getting super busy and furthermore my child hitting that “end of school itch.” It seems he has become an emotional wreck that one would expect from a teenage girl.

Example: His teacher sent home the lyrics to “Lean On Me” which his class will be singing for the end of the year assembly and it was asked that students please take a few moments each night to go over the lyrics. Easy enough right? So as we’re heading into bedtime I tell him we’ll change things up and sing the song tonight together. What I thought was going to be a harmonious melody of love between a mother and child turns into a disaster and asking why he’s adding words (but encouraging him along.) I kissed him goodnight and told him we’d keep working on it.  I went for a bath to unwind when I hear a scuffle upstairs a few minutes later thinking he had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom. Upon getting out of the bath I find my husband holding kleenex to our child’s nose shaking his head in annoyance. Apparently my son didn’t appreciate my help and sat upstairs angrily crying afterwards so hard that he gave himself a nosebleed. I was perplexed as I was overly encouraging while my insides cringed at the fact that he has no rhythm nor pitch. I told him he was doing a great job and asked why he didn’t like me helping… he simply stated “you helped me too much!” Of course at this time I’m wanting to reach for a bottle of wine and beat myself over the head with it.

Further examples: Playing tag, dodge-ball, any game where everyone doesn’t win right now is just pointless because it’ll end up in tears. I pretty much want to ban my kid from any gym games but of course I can’t do that. I tell him that everyone is going to get caught or be out and I simply get him growling at me and walking away. It seems that everything lately is ticking him off and he just melts down over it. I try to talk to him but his reasoning is that of a child (obviously.)

Bed times have seemingly become earlier as he passes out at 7:20pm and I’m dragging his butt out of bed for school 12 hours later. I understand that he’s sick and tired of school but he’s going to have a long summer of camp (which mom is the director/manager of.) It’ll be much more laid back as school, there will be more free time, field trips, swimming trips every week, but I’m sure he’ll be just as burnt out. I’m looking forward to weekends that will be spent in play this summer, some camping trips, fishing, and even a vacation at the end of the summer will hopefully get everyone back on track for the new school year.

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I have a shape therefore I am in shape?

girl smiling exercising with dumbbell clipart

There’s nothing more precious than having a long day and snuggling up to your child right before bed to read them a story. You’ve had an incredibly hard day and just need a moment of love from your darling child of whom you would give your life for. As you gently put your arm around them and they snuggle into you they proclaim “mommy you have squishy arms!” At that moment you want to throw the book across the room, get up and scream “f*** you! How is that even possible considering all I ever do is carry your sh*t around all day!?” Instead you take this “fat shaming” to heart and start working out. Or at least that was my case. There’s nothing like having a scrawny child call you out on some extra squish… especially when you take it to heart which I did.

I was feeling rather defeated about a month ago, my husband would work out next to me rolling 80+ dumbbell curls while I was barely doing 5lbs. My upper body strength doesn’t exist. What needs to be remembered and drilled into every single person out there when it comes to fitness is that EVERYONE starts somewhere and that somewhere is usually damn near the bottom. Don’t get discouraged. You’re going to pick those weights up and hate it, but if you continue picking them up and putting them down you’re going to get better, you’re going to get stronger. I started with barely being able to pick up 5lbs in each hand to curl, my squats were pretty horrible as well (because who in the heck actually likes doing squats?) After giving myself some pep talk and motivation I kept with it. Now I’m doing 150 squats with 20lbs in each hand. I’m able to do 15-20lb curls. My arms are less flabby and are slowly getting there and I’m finding myself a little happier with the reflection in the mirror.

Added bonus of trying to motivate yourself up for working out… go get a cute workout outfit, it actually helps quite a bit 😉 just make sure if you’re doing cardio that you don’t opt for a yoga bra which has 0 support or you’ll find yourself holding onto your girls as you run.

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